tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37060371520585177792024-02-08T10:28:17.570-08:00Random Stufflf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-78608996194723289632012-03-15T15:16:00.000-07:002012-03-15T15:16:37.077-07:00SuperpointsHey all,<br />
<br />
You'll probably notice that this post is quite different from my usual... that's because I'm here today to tell you about Superpoints.<br />
<br />
Superpoints is a website similar to many other you've seen, where you do stuff, gain points, and trade in the points for money.<br />
<br />
The major difference between this and other sites?<br />
Your main source of points: click the "SuperLucky Button" for points, and hope you get lucky.<br />
<br />
That's it.<br />
I had my doubts about this site at first as well.. but I've verified the fact that it's totally legit (cashed out $50, and received all of it.<br />
<br />
Anyway, if you're interested in signing up, the site is by invitation only, so I'll be leaving a link where you can sign up:<br />
<br />
http://superpoints.com/refer/randomstufflf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-87698440975767434182012-01-05T23:20:00.000-08:002012-01-05T23:20:20.842-08:00A quote I found from the far reaches of the internet"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." - Sam Levensonlf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-36282247149796058232011-03-15T15:40:00.001-07:002011-03-15T15:40:08.861-07:00Old Accountants Never Die Part 4OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type.<br />
OLD PROCTOLOGISTS never die, they just butt out. <br />
OLD PRODUCERS never die, they just change the ending. <br />
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits.<br />
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory.<br />
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse.<br />
OLD PYROMANIACS never die, they just lose their spark. <br />
OLD QUARRY WORKERS never die, they just get blasted. <br />
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just pass away.<br />
OLD ROCK HOUNDS never die, they just slowly petrify.<br />
OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dingy.<br />
OLD SAILORS never die, they just smell that way.<br />
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals.<br />
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles.<br />
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision.<br />
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away.<br />
OLD SNACK VENDORS never die, they just cash in their chips. <br />
OLD SOLDIERS never die, . . . just young ones! <br />
OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in. <br />
OLD STATUES never die, they just get busted. <br />
OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper.<br />
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded.<br />
OLD SUPREME COURT JUSTICES never die, they just get disappointed. <br />
OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding.<br />
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class.<br />
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just wipe the slate clean.<br />
OLD TIRE INSTALLERS never die, they just go down the tubes. <br />
OLD TRASH HAULERS never die, they just get down in the dumps. <br />
OLD TREE SURGEONS never die, they just pine away. <br />
OLD TRUCKERS never die, - they just get a new PETERBILT. <br />
OLD UPHOLSTERERS never die, they just don't recover.<br />
OLD VETERINARIANS never die, they just go to the dogs. <br />
OLD VIOLINISTS never die, they just become unstrung. <br />
OLD WHEELS never die, they just get retired.<br />
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged.<br />
OLD WIG MAKERS never die they just get distressed. <br />
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip.<br />
<br />
Just FYI this is the last part =Plf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-75467928641449073822011-02-16T21:02:00.000-08:002011-02-16T21:02:10.446-08:00Old accountants never die Part 3OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over. <br />
OLD JANITORS never die, they just get swept up.<br />
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed.<br />
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out.<br />
OLD KINGS never die, they just get throne away. <br />
OLD KLEPTOMANIACS never die, they just can't help themselves.<br />
OLD LANDSCAPERS never die, they just get weeded out. <br />
OLD LAWN CARE WORKERS never die, they just recede.<br />
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs.<br />
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.<br />
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their judgment.<br />
OLD LEPERS never die, they just fall apart.<br />
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just close the book. <br />
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under.<br />
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear.<br />
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate.<br />
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just get well lubricated. <br />
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just retire.<br />
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey.<br />
OLD MUFFLERS never die, they just get exhausted.<br />
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose.<br />
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out.<br />
OLD NITPICKERS never die, the just feel lousy. <br />
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot.<br />
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces.<br />
OLD PAINTERS never die, they just get plastered. <br />
OLD PARAKEETS never die, they just get cheeper and cheeper. <br />
OLD PERSONNEL AGENTS never die, they just get hire and hire. <br />
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just lose their focus.<br />
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing.<br />
OLD PIG BREEDERS never die they just get disgruntled. <br />
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane.<br />
OLD PILOTS never die, they just take off. <br />
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just smell that way. <br />
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out.<br />
OLD POLITICIANS never die, they just run once too often.<br />
OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip.<br />
OLD PRAGUE RESIDENTS never die, they just Czech out. <br />
OLD PRINCIPALS never die, they just lose their faculties.lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-65561461213158402872011-02-08T12:34:00.001-08:002011-02-08T12:34:30.668-08:00Old Accountants Never Die part 2OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact.<br />
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just revolt. <br />
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings.<br />
OLD ENUMERATORS never die, they just lose their census.<br />
OLD EXTERMINATORS never die, they just bug out. <br />
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed.<br />
OLD FIREFIGHTERS never die, they just go to blazes. <br />
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way.<br />
OLD FORGERS never die, they just leave no trace. <br />
OLD FROGS never die, but they do croak.<br />
OLD FULLBACKS never die, they just kick off. <br />
OLD GARDENERS never die, they just spade away.<br />
OLD GARDENERS never die, they just push up daisies.<br />
OLD GEOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just go off on a tangent. <br />
OLD GLASS never dies, it just gets smashed. <br />
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls.<br />
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just putter away.<br />
OLD GOSSIPS never die, they just lose their confidants.<br />
OLD GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES never die, they just work as if they had.<br />
OLD GRUNGE ROCKERS never die, they just cut their hair, and nobody recognizes them. <br />
OLD GUNS never die, they just get loaded. <br />
OLD HAIR DRESSERS never fade, they just curl up and dye.<br />
OLD HIKERS never die, they just get the boot.<br />
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way.<br />
OLD HOOKERS never die, they just get laid off. <br />
OLD HUMAN CANNONBALLS never die, they just get fired. <br />
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loaded.<br />
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe.lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-40339680793901010792011-01-27T14:44:00.001-08:002011-01-27T14:44:39.922-08:00Old accountants never die... PART 1OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.<br />
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part.<br />
OLD ACTUARIES never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.<br />
OLD ALCOHOLICS never die, they just lose their spirit. <br />
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver.<br />
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures.<br />
OLD ARTISTS never die, they just get the brush-off.<br />
OLD BALLOONISTS never die, they just get higher and higher.<br />
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.<br />
OLD BASEBALLS never die, they just get pitched. <br />
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling.<br />
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off.<br />
OLD BINGO PLAYERS never die, they just wait until their number comes up.<br />
OLD BLASTING TECHNICIANS never die, they just lose their spark. <br />
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away.<br />
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures.<br />
OLD BOOTLEGGERS never die, they just keep still. <br />
OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just wither away. <br />
OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just go to seed.<br />
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter.<br />
OLD BREADMEN never die, they just lose their dough. <br />
OLD BRICKLAYERS never die, they just throw in the trowel. <br />
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away. <br />
OLD CARDIAC SURGEONS never die, they just get bypassed. <br />
OLD CARTOONISTS never die, they just go into a state of suspended animation. <br />
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out.<br />
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just get distilled. <br />
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive.<br />
OLD CHICKENS never die, they just get fried. <br />
OLD CHINESE COOKS never die, they just wok away. <br />
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket.<br />
OLD CLOTHIERS never die, they just lose their shirts.<br />
OLD COMPUTER USERS never die, they just lose their memory.<br />
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged.<br />
OLD COUPON CLIPPERS never die, they just expire. <br />
OLD COWBOYS never die, they are just deranged. <br />
OLD COWS never die, they just kick the bucket.<br />
OLD DAIRYMEN never die, they just get butter and butter.<br />
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged.<br />
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.<br />
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just get down in the mouth. <br />
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just go to the hospital. <br />
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience.<br />
OLD DOUGHBOYS never die, they just get rolled out. <br />
OLD DRIVING INSTRUCTORS never die, they just come to a full stop.<br />
OLD EDITORS never die, they just rewrite the text. <br />
OLD EGYPTIAN TOURISTS never die, - they just go senile.<br />
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just can't make connections.lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-14947047731896605602010-12-18T11:33:00.001-08:002010-12-18T11:33:57.440-08:00Quotes about SantaLet me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?<br />
<i> - - - Tom Armstrong</i> <br />
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.<br />
<i> - - - Shirley Temple Black</i> <br />
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.<br />
<i> - - - Victor Borge</i> <br />
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. . . . Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.<br />
<i> - - - Francis Pharcellus Church "The Sun" Sept 21, 1897</i> <br />
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.<br />
<i> - - - Dick Gregory</i> <br />
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? <br />
<i> - - - Arlo Guthrie</i> <br />
I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.<br />
<i> - - - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"</i> <br />
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,<br />
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;<br />
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,<br />
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.<br />
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!<br />
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!<br />
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,<br />
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;<br />
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,<br />
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;<br />
He had a broad face and a little round belly,<br />
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.<br />
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,<br />
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;<br />
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,<br />
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;<br />
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,<br />
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,<br />
And laying his finger aside of his nose,<br />
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;<br />
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,<br />
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.<br />
<i> - - - Clement Clarke Moore "The Night Before Christmas"</i> <br />
Santa is even-tempered. Santa does not hit children over the head who kick him. Santa uses the term folks rather than Mommy and Daddy because of all the broken homes. Santa does not have a three-martini lunch. Santa does not borrow money from store employees. Santa wears a good deodorant.<br />
<i> - - - Jenny Zink (To employees of Western Temporary Services, world's largest supplier of Santa Clauses, NY Times 21 Nov 84)</i>lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-17796242911032582322010-12-13T07:49:00.001-08:002010-12-13T07:49:01.888-08:00Baby Skunk RescueA man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.<br />
<br />
It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”<br />
<br />
He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”<br />
<br />
“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”<br />
<br />
He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.<br />
<br />
“But what about the smell?”<br />
<br />
“Just hold its nose.”<br />
<br />
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-32140915419742506812010-12-08T13:09:00.001-08:002010-12-08T13:09:38.379-08:00Answered PrayersA lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a<br />
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."<br />
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.<br />
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"<br />
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a<br />
moment. "You know", he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.<br />
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and<br />
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase...in no time."<br />
"Thank you", the woman responded, "this may very well be the<br />
solution."<br />
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"<br />
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-75667281752693346442010-11-28T23:14:00.001-08:002010-11-28T23:14:57.260-08:00Car Trouble (yet another blonde joke)<div align="left"><strong>CAR TROUBLE</strong><br />
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.</div>She says, "What's the story?"<br />
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"<br />
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-72286742164594780772010-11-22T12:03:00.001-08:002010-11-22T12:03:43.709-08:00Doctors: What they say and what they mean"This should be taken care of right away."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is<br />
so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures<br />
itself."<br />
<br />
<br />
"Welllllll, what have we here..."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the<br />
Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.<br />
<br />
<br />
"We'll see."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."<br />
<br />
<br />
"Let me check your medical history."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before<br />
spending any more time with you."<br />
<br />
<br />
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time."<br />
-or-<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another<br />
office visit."<br />
<br />
<br />
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."<br />
<br />
<br />
"Hmmmmmmmm."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is<br />
trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will<br />
interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)<br />
<br />
<br />
"We have some good news and some bad news."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and<br />
the bad news is you're going to pay for it.<br />
<br />
<br />
"Let's see how it develops."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that<br />
can be cured."<br />
<br />
<br />
"Let me schedule you for some tests."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I have a 40% interest in the lab."<br />
<br />
<br />
"How are we today?"<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."<br />
<br />
<br />
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a<br />
guinea pig."<br />
<br />
<br />
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go<br />
away by itself."<br />
<br />
<br />
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I think I'm going to throw up."<br />
<br />
<br />
"This may smart a little."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."<br />
<br />
<br />
"This should fix you up."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all<br />
symptoms."<br />
<br />
"Everything seems to be normal."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."<br />
<br />
<br />
"I'd like to run some more tests."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the<br />
lab can solve this one."<br />
<br />
<br />
"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting<br />
your nerves?"<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a<br />
psychiatrist who will split fees.<br />
<br />
<br />
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."<br />
<img height="5" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="30" />"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God<br />
I'm off next week.lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-80352439435308241912010-11-18T19:09:00.001-08:002010-11-18T19:09:47.301-08:00Things you don't want to hear during surgeryHey guys, sorry for the inactiveness lately... school's been holding me up =P<br />
anyway... enjoy:<br />
-----------------------------------------------------------<br />
<b>Things you don't want to hear during surgery</b><br />
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy." <br />
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!" <br />
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" <br />
"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!" <br />
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?" <br />
"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie." <br />
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." <br />
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" <br />
"Darn, there go the lights again...." <br />
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em." <br />
"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!" <br />
"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration." <br />
"What's this doing here?" <br />
"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?" <br />
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses." <br />
"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us." <br />
"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?" <br />
"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?" <br />
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?" <br />
"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape." <br />
"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature." <br />
"This patient has already had some kids, right?" <br />
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?" <br />
"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough." <br />
"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!" <br />
"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-72985901542053365472010-11-07T12:18:00.001-08:002010-11-07T12:18:26.507-08:00Love, lust, and marriageLove: When you take a bubble bath together <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: When you give the kids a bath <br />
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?" <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go <br />
Love: Giving your love some candy <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: Thinking you are the candy <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet <br />
Love: Sex every night <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: Sex 5 times a night <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: What's sex? <br />
Love: A night out at the symphony <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice <br />
Love: French perfume <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: Brut aftershave <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ." <br />
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ." <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets <br />
Love: Talking and cuddling <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . . <br />
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room <br />
Love: Long drives through the countryside <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout <br />
<img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" /><img height="8" src="http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/blank.gif" width="15" />Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseatlf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-76828117020553754702010-11-06T12:45:00.001-07:002010-11-06T12:45:28.993-07:00Things I learned from my mother1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.<br />
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."<br />
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.<br />
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."<br />
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.<br />
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"<br />
4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.<br />
"Because I said so, that's why."<br />
5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.<br />
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."<br />
6. My mother taught me about IRONY.<br />
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."<br />
7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.<br />
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."<br />
8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.<br />
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."<br />
9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.<br />
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"<br />
10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.<br />
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."<br />
11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.<br />
"Stop acting like your father!"<br />
12. My mother taught me about ENVY.<br />
"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."<br />
13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.<br />
"Just wait until we get home."<br />
14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.<br />
"You are going to get it when you get home!"<br />
15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.<br />
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."<br />
16. My mother taught me about ESP.<br />
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?"<br />
17. My mother taught me about HUMOR.<br />
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."<br />
18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.<br />
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."<br />
19. My mother taught me about GENETICS.<br />
"You're just like your father."<br />
20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.<br />
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.<br />
21. My mother taught me about SHARING.<br />
" I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!"<br />
22. My mother taught me about FEAR.<br />
"One day you'll have a child who'll do the same things to you."lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-59326470219072337232010-11-05T07:53:00.001-07:002010-11-05T07:53:38.460-07:00You just might be an internet addict if...You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. <br />
Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. <br />
Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. <br />
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com." <br />
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV. <br />
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. <br />
All of your friends have an @ in their names. <br />
Your dog has its own home page. <br />
You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem. <br />
Your phone bill is as heavy as a brick. <br />
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. <br />
Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months. <br />
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. <br />
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." <br />
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. <br />
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-79654017867255300642010-11-03T08:46:00.001-07:002010-11-03T08:46:36.115-07:00If you love someone*note from me*<br />
I realize I'm not updating this blog as much lately... schoolwork's kept me busy =.=<br />
<br />
__________________________________________________________________________<br />
<br />
If You Love Someone<br />
Shakespeare:<br />
if you love someone,<br />
Set her free ....<br />
If she ever comes back, she's yours,<br />
If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide<br />
yourself for her.<br />
<br />
Optimist:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free ....<br />
Don't worry, she will come back.<br />
<br />
Suspicious:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free ....<br />
If she ever comes back, ask her why.<br />
<br />
Impatient:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free ....<br />
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget<br />
her.<br />
<br />
Patient:<br />
IF you love someone,<br />
Set her free ....<br />
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until<br />
she comes back.<br />
<br />
Playful:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free ....<br />
*If she comes back, and if you love her still,<br />
set her free again, repeat*<br />
<br />
C++ Programmer:<br />
if(you-love(m_she))<br />
m_she.free()<br />
if(m_she == NULL)<br />
m_she= new CShe;<br />
<br />
Lawyers:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free,<br />
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the<br />
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....<br />
<br />
Bill Gates:<br />
If you love someone,Set her free,<br />
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for<br />
re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.<br />
<br />
Biologist:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free, She'll evolve.<br />
<br />
Statisticians:<br />
If you love someone, Set her free,<br />
If she loves you, the probability of her coming<br />
back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull<br />
distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.<br />
<br />
Salesman:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free ....<br />
If she ever comes back, deal!<br />
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".<br />
<br />
Schwarzenegger's fans:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free,<br />
SHE'LL BE BACK!<br />
<br />
Insurance agent:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Show her the plan ....<br />
If she ever comes back, sign her up,<br />
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!<br />
<br />
Physician:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free ....<br />
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,<br />
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle<br />
of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.<br />
<br />
Mathematician:<br />
If you love someone,<br />
Set her free ....<br />
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),<br />
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c<br />
is the infinite constant of no turning point.<br />
<br />
Nowadays' style:<br />
If You Love Someone,<br />
Set it free,<br />
If It Comes Back, It is Yours<br />
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!! OR<br />
PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL<br />
<br />
If you love someone<br />
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???<br />
CARELESS IDIOT!!!lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-56259201561888143682010-11-01T07:53:00.001-07:002010-11-01T07:53:23.871-07:00I resignI am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. <br />
<div align="left">I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. </div><div align="left">I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. </div><div align="left">I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. </div><div align="left">I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. </div><div align="left">I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. </div><div align="left">I want to return to a time when life was simple; <br />
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. <br />
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. </div><div align="left">I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. </div><div align="left">I want to believe that anything is possible. </div><div align="left">I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. </div><div align="left">I want to live simple again. <br />
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. </div><div align="left">I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. </div><div align="left">So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.</div><div align="left"> I am officially resigning from adulthood. </div><div align="left">And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ .....<br />
"Tag! You're it." </div>lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-91966110711662718482010-10-30T19:52:00.001-07:002010-10-30T19:52:46.943-07:00Are you a true elementary school teacher?<b>Let's Find Out: </b> <br />
<br />
<br />
1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? <br />
2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? <br />
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? <br />
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? <br />
5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"? <br />
6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line? <br />
7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car nice? <br />
8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? <br />
9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? <br />
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? <br />
11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? <br />
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group? <br />
<br />
* If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul -- you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. <br />
* If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's *too much* in your soul -- you should probably begin thinking about retirement. <br />
* If you answered yes to all 12, forget it -- you'll *always* be a teacher, retired or not!lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-52813613925108653552010-10-28T21:30:00.000-07:002010-10-28T21:30:32.850-07:00Because I'm a man<ul><li> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. </li>
</ul><ul><li>Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going? </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or baseball, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection? </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. </li>
</ul><ul><li> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?</li>
</ul><ul><li>Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. (this is a pretty old article =.=)</li>
</ul><div align="left">THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE FOR WOMEN, TO BETTER UNDERSTAND THE MALE ANIMAL. </div>lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-50163226892381955582010-10-27T09:01:00.001-07:002010-10-27T09:01:21.636-07:00Van Gogh's RelativesAfter much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. <br />
Among them were: <br />
<blockquote> His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh<br />
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh<br />
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh<br />
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh<br />
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh<br />
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh<br />
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh<br />
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh<br />
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh<br />
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh<br />
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh<br />
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh<br />
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh<br />
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh<br />
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh<br />
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh<br />
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh<br />
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh<br />
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh<br />
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh<br />
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh. <br />
</blockquote>lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-30517657017343129322010-10-25T08:09:00.001-07:002010-10-25T08:09:44.757-07:00Do's and Don'ts For funerals<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="4"><tbody>
<tr><td width="15%"><br />
</td> <td valign="top" width="85%"> <span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't </b>attend funerals of people you don't know.</span> <br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> try to outdo the family's grief.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> use the occasion to "schmooze".</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't </b>videotape the service.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't </b>ask for "just a peek-a-doodle" if it is a closed casket.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't </b>rate the funeral with a 1-10 rating scale in front of the family. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't </b>race the hearse to the cemetery.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Do</b> offer your help, but <b>don't </b>charge for it. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> make statements like "something seems fishy to me" or "I hope they did an autopsy." </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> remark that the deceased looks "way better than they ever did"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> sit in the front row of the church and lean over the seat to wave at everyone you know coming in.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Do</b> realize that the grieving family probably knows the deceased more than you do: especially if it is your neighbour or your friend's aunt. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> approach the widow/widower and ask for the fifty dollars the deceased owed you.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> make an offer to the widow/widower on the deceased clothes.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> try to make the grieving family feel better by handing them a typewritten list of the deceased's faults.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> climb on headstones to get a better view. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> do impressions of the deceased.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> ask about the "eats" the minute you arrive at the funeral home.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> ask if there's any booze.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> use the word "rooked" if a discussion of funeral expenses arises.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't </b>ask the widow/widower on a date at the funeral home. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't </b>tell everyone how much your flower arrangement cost and offer to show them the bill if they don't believe you.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> remove anything from the coffin as a memento.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> tell the grieving family "it could be worse" and then go into a long rambling story about the passing of your little dog Blue.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't </b>tell the relatives that this is the smallest funeral you've ever seen. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> use a fake name like "I.P. Nightly" in the guestbook. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Don't</b> offer to make a beer-run.</span><br />
</td> </tr>
</tbody></table><h2><br />
</h2>lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-80590632064179068632010-10-24T19:07:00.001-07:002010-10-24T19:07:42.374-07:00Meet Jack Schitt<span style="color: black;">Jack is the only son of <span style="color: blue;">Awe Schitt</span> and <span style="color: blue;">O. Schitt</span>, and he has an interesting family tree:<br />
</span> <br />
<span style="color: black;">In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of <span style="color: blue;">Needeep N. Schitt</span>, Inc.<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">They had one son, Jack.<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and <span style="color: blue;">Noe Schitt</span> produced 6 children:<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Holie Schitt</span><span style="color: black;"> (who came to be known as "<span style="color: blue;">The Lucky Schitt</span>")<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Fulla Schitt</span><br />
Shineola (who didn't really have the <span style="color: blue;">Schitt Face</span>)<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Giva Schitt</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Bull Schitt</span> (who really looked like Schitt, the father),<br />
and the twins: <span style="color: blue;">Dip Schitt</span> and <span style="color: blue;">Deap Schitt</span>.<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "<span style="color: blue;">The stupid Schitt</span>", and she married <span style="color: blue;">Dumb Schitt</span>, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><br />
The other twin, Deap Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "<span style="color: blue;">Smell Like Schitt</span>". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company launched its product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as <span style="color: blue;">Noe Schitt-Sherlock</span>.<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, <span style="color: blue;">Loda Schitt</span>, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named <span style="color: blue;">Chicken Schitt</span>.<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, <span style="color: blue;">Krappy Schitt</span> and <span style="color: blue;">Ugglee Schitt</span>.<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">The "<span style="color: blue;">Schitt-Happens</span>" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Dawg Schitt</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Byrd Schitt</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Hoarse Schitt</span><br />
and <span style="color: blue;">Pigh Schitt</span><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, <span style="color: blue;">Pisa Schitt</span>, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals as "<span style="color: blue;">Schitt Creek</span>."</span><span style="color: blue;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">(From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!)</span>lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-2919959875524523552010-10-24T00:06:00.001-07:002010-10-24T00:06:19.298-07:00You know it will be a bad day when...Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels. <br />
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money. <br />
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. <br />
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. <br />
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. <br />
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city. <br />
Your twin sister forgets your birthday. <br />
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. <br />
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant. <br />
You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H. <br />
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. <br />
You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any. <br />
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it. <br />
You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed. <br />
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue. <br />
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. <br />
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. <br />
You wake up and your braces are stuck together. <br />
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. <br />
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband. <br />
Your income tax refund check bounces. <br />
You put both contact lenses in the same eye. <br />
You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any. <br />
You need one bathroom scale for each foot. <br />
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch. <br />
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it. <br />
Nothing you own is actually paid for. <br />
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse. <br />
You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company. <br />
Airline food starts to taste good. <br />
Your mother approves of the person you are dating. <br />
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. <br />
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD. <br />
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box. <br />
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer. <br />
Everyone loves your driver's license picture. <br />
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours. <br />
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents. <br />
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker. <br />
You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you. <br />
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. <br />
People think you are 40...and you really are. <br />
You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed. <br />
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself. <br />
Everyone is laughing but you.lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-85174042348897512792010-10-22T08:52:00.001-07:002010-10-22T08:52:44.935-07:00Christmas Carols for the Mentally Disturbed1. <b>Schizophrenia</b> --- Do You Hear What I Hear?<br />
2. <b>Multiple Personality Disorder</b> --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are<br />
3. <b>Dementia</b> --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas<br />
4. <b>Narcissistic</b> --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me<br />
5. <b>Manic</b> --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....<br />
6. <b>Paranoid</b> --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me<br />
7. <b>Borderline Personality Disorder</b> --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire<br />
8. <b>Personality Disorder</b> --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why<br />
9. <b>Attention Deficit Disorder</b> --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?<br />
10. <b>Obsessive Compulsive Disorder</b> --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3706037152058517779.post-85474693477663144492010-10-19T00:22:00.001-07:002010-10-19T00:22:14.102-07:00Things said by moms in the BibleTop Ten Bible Countdown . . . <br />
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8) <br />
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons! <br />
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper! <br />
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace! <br />
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day! <br />
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays! <br />
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11) <br />
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17) <br />
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?! <br />
1. Jesus! What do you think... you were born in a barn?lf52http://www.blogger.com/profile/12455203908445387080noreply@blogger.com4