Old accountants never die Part 3

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.
OLD JANITORS never die, they just get swept up.
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed.
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out.
OLD KINGS never die, they just get throne away.
OLD KLEPTOMANIACS never die, they just can't help themselves.
OLD LANDSCAPERS never die, they just get weeded out.
OLD LAWN CARE WORKERS never die, they just recede.
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs.
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their judgment.
OLD LEPERS never die, they just fall apart.
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just close the book.
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under.
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear.
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate.
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just get well lubricated.
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just retire.
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey.
OLD MUFFLERS never die, they just get exhausted.
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose.
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out.
OLD NITPICKERS never die, the just feel lousy.
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot.
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces.
OLD PAINTERS never die, they just get plastered.
OLD PARAKEETS never die, they just get cheeper and cheeper.
OLD PERSONNEL AGENTS never die, they just get hire and hire.
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just lose their focus.
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing.
OLD PIG BREEDERS never die they just get disgruntled.
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane.
OLD PILOTS never die, they just take off.
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just smell that way.
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out.
OLD POLITICIANS never die, they just run once too often.
OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip.
OLD PRAGUE RESIDENTS never die, they just Czech out.
OLD PRINCIPALS never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old Accountants Never Die part 2

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just revolt.
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings.
OLD ENUMERATORS never die, they just lose their census.
OLD EXTERMINATORS never die, they just bug out.
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed.
OLD FIREFIGHTERS never die, they just go to blazes.
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way.
OLD FORGERS never die, they just leave no trace.
OLD FROGS never die, but they do croak.
OLD FULLBACKS never die, they just kick off.
OLD GARDENERS never die, they just spade away.
OLD GARDENERS never die, they just push up daisies.
OLD GEOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just go off on a tangent.
OLD GLASS never dies, it just gets smashed.
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls.
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just putter away.
OLD GOSSIPS never die, they just lose their confidants.
OLD GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES never die, they just work as if they had.
OLD GRUNGE ROCKERS never die, they just cut their hair, and nobody recognizes them.
OLD GUNS never die, they just get loaded.
OLD HAIR DRESSERS never fade, they just curl up and dye.
OLD HIKERS never die, they just get the boot.
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way.
OLD HOOKERS never die, they just get laid off.
OLD HUMAN CANNONBALLS never die, they just get fired.
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loaded.
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe.

Old accountants never die... PART 1

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part.
OLD ACTUARIES never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
OLD ALCOHOLICS never die, they just lose their spirit.
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver.
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures.
OLD ARTISTS never die, they just get the brush-off.
OLD BALLOONISTS never die, they just get higher and higher.
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.
OLD BASEBALLS never die, they just get pitched.
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling.
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off.
OLD BINGO PLAYERS never die, they just wait until their number comes up.
OLD BLASTING TECHNICIANS never die, they just lose their spark.
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away.
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures.
OLD BOOTLEGGERS never die, they just keep still.
OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just wither away.
OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just go to seed.
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter.
OLD BREADMEN never die, they just lose their dough.
OLD BRICKLAYERS never die, they just throw in the trowel.
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away.
OLD CARDIAC SURGEONS never die, they just get bypassed.
OLD CARTOONISTS never die, they just go into a state of suspended animation.
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out.
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just get distilled.
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive.
OLD CHICKENS never die, they just get fried.
OLD CHINESE COOKS never die, they just wok away.
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket.
OLD CLOTHIERS never die, they just lose their shirts.
OLD COMPUTER USERS never die, they just lose their memory.
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged.
OLD COUPON CLIPPERS never die, they just expire.
OLD COWBOYS never die, they are just deranged.
OLD COWS never die, they just kick the bucket.
OLD DAIRYMEN never die, they just get butter and butter.
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged.
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just get down in the mouth.
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just go to the hospital.
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience.
OLD DOUGHBOYS never die, they just get rolled out.
OLD DRIVING INSTRUCTORS never die, they just come to a full stop.
OLD EDITORS never die, they just rewrite the text.
OLD EGYPTIAN TOURISTS never die, - they just go senile.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just can't make connections.

Quotes about Santa

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?
- - - Tom Armstrong
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
- - - Shirley Temple Black
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
- - - Victor Borge
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. . . . Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
- - - Francis Pharcellus Church "The Sun" Sept 21, 1897
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
- - - Dick Gregory
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
- - - Arlo Guthrie
I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.
- - - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
- - - Clement Clarke Moore "The Night Before Christmas"
Santa is even-tempered. Santa does not hit children over the head who kick him. Santa uses the term folks rather than Mommy and Daddy because of all the broken homes. Santa does not have a three-martini lunch. Santa does not borrow money from store employees. Santa wears a good deodorant.
- - - Jenny Zink (To employees of Western Temporary Services, world's largest supplier of Santa Clauses, NY Times 21 Nov 84)

Baby Skunk Rescue

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Answered Prayers

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know", he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you", the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

Car Trouble (yet another blonde joke)

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"