Saturday, December 18, 2010

Quotes about Santa

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?
- - - Tom Armstrong
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
- - - Shirley Temple Black
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
- - - Victor Borge
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. . . . Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
- - - Francis Pharcellus Church "The Sun" Sept 21, 1897
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
- - - Dick Gregory
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
- - - Arlo Guthrie
I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.
- - - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
- - - Clement Clarke Moore "The Night Before Christmas"
Santa is even-tempered. Santa does not hit children over the head who kick him. Santa uses the term folks rather than Mommy and Daddy because of all the broken homes. Santa does not have a three-martini lunch. Santa does not borrow money from store employees. Santa wears a good deodorant.
- - - Jenny Zink (To employees of Western Temporary Services, world's largest supplier of Santa Clauses, NY Times 21 Nov 84)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Baby Skunk Rescue

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Answered Prayers

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know", he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that no time."
"Thank you", the woman responded, "this may very well be the
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Car Trouble (yet another blonde joke)

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Monday, November 22, 2010

Doctors: What they say and what they mean

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is
so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the
Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time."
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another
office visit."

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is
trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will
interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and
the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that
can be cured."

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% interest in the lab."

"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a
guinea pig."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go
away by itself."

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."

"This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all

"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the
lab can solve this one."

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting
your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a
psychiatrist who will split fees.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God
I'm off next week.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

Hey guys, sorry for the inactiveness lately... school's been holding me up =P
anyway... enjoy:
Things you don't want to hear during surgery
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Darn, there go the lights again...."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."
"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."
"What's this doing here?"
"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"
"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"
"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."
"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."
"This patient has already had some kids, right?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."
"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"
"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Love, lust, and marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat