Saturday, December 18, 2010

Quotes about Santa

Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?
- - - Tom Armstrong
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
- - - Shirley Temple Black
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
- - - Victor Borge
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. . . . Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
- - - Francis Pharcellus Church "The Sun" Sept 21, 1897
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
- - - Dick Gregory
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
- - - Arlo Guthrie
I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.
- - - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
- - - Clement Clarke Moore "The Night Before Christmas"
Santa is even-tempered. Santa does not hit children over the head who kick him. Santa uses the term folks rather than Mommy and Daddy because of all the broken homes. Santa does not have a three-martini lunch. Santa does not borrow money from store employees. Santa wears a good deodorant.
- - - Jenny Zink (To employees of Western Temporary Services, world's largest supplier of Santa Clauses, NY Times 21 Nov 84)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Baby Skunk Rescue

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Answered Prayers

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know", he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that no time."
"Thank you", the woman responded, "this may very well be the
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."