Saturday, October 30, 2010

Are you a true elementary school teacher?

Let's Find Out:

1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?
6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?
8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?

* If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul -- you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling.
* If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's *too much* in your soul -- you should probably begin thinking about retirement.
* If you answered yes to all 12, forget it -- you'll *always* be a teacher, retired or not!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Because I'm a man

  • Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
  •  Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
  •  Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
  •  Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
  •  Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
  • Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
  •  Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
  •  Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or baseball, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
  •  Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection?
  •  Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
  •  Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
  •  Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
  • Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. (this is a pretty old article =.=)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Van Gogh's Relatives

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Do's and Don'ts For funerals

Don't attend funerals of people you don't know.
Don't try to outdo the family's grief.
Don't use the occasion to "schmooze".
Don't videotape the service.
Don't ask for "just a peek-a-doodle" if it is a closed casket.
Don't rate the funeral with a 1-10 rating scale in front of the family.
Don't race the hearse to the cemetery.
Do offer your help, but don't charge for it.
Don't make statements like "something seems fishy to me" or "I hope they did an autopsy."
Don't remark that the deceased looks "way better than they ever did"
Don't sit in the front row of the church and lean over the seat to wave at everyone you know coming in.
Do realize that the grieving family probably knows the deceased more than you do: especially if it is your neighbour or your friend's aunt.
Don't approach the widow/widower and ask for the fifty dollars the deceased owed you.
Don't make an offer to the widow/widower on the deceased clothes.
Don't try to make the grieving family feel better by handing them a typewritten list of the deceased's faults.
Don't climb on headstones to get a better view.
Don't do impressions of the deceased.
Don't ask about the "eats" the minute you arrive at the funeral home.
Don't ask if there's any booze.
Don't use the word "rooked" if a discussion of funeral expenses arises.
Don't ask the widow/widower on a date at the funeral home.
Don't tell everyone how much your flower arrangement cost and offer to show them the bill if they don't believe you.
Don't remove anything from the coffin as a memento.
Don't tell the grieving family "it could be worse" and then go into a long rambling story about the passing of your little dog Blue.
Don't tell the relatives that this is the smallest funeral you've ever seen.
Don't use a fake name like "I.P. Nightly" in the guestbook.
Don't offer to make a beer-run.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Meet Jack Schitt

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree:

In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe Schitt produced 6 children:

Holie Schitt  (who came to be known as "The Lucky Schitt")
Fulla Schitt
Shineola  (who didn't really have the Schitt Face)
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt  (who really looked like Schitt, the father),
and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deap Schitt.

Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.

The other twin, Deap Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell Like Schitt". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company launched its product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".

But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.

Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt.

These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.

The "Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:
Dawg Schitt
Byrd Schitt
Hoarse Schitt
and Pigh Schitt

But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.

Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals as "Schitt Creek."

(From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!)

You know it will be a bad day when...

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.
You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.
Airline food starts to taste good.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
People think you are 40...and you really are.
You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself.
Everyone is laughing but you.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Christmas Carols for the Mentally Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Things said by moms in the Bible

Top Ten Bible Countdown . . .
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
1. Jesus! What do you think... you were born in a barn?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Signs that you are no longer a kid

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Interesting Logic

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Bad Example

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

101 ways to annoy people

    1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
    2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
    3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
    4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
    5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
    6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
    7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
    8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
    9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
    10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
    11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
    12. Sniffle incessantly.
    13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
    14. Name your dog "Dog."
    15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
    16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
    17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
    18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
    19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
    20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
    21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
    22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
    23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
    24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
    25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
    26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
    27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
    28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
    29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
    30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
    31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
    32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
    33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
    34. Drum on every available surface.
    35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
    36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
    37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
    38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
    39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
    40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
    41. Set alarms for random times.
    42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
    43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
    44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
    45. Honk and wave to strangers.
    46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
    47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
    48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
    49. Wear your pants backwards.
    50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
    51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
    53. only type in lowercase.
    54. dont use any punctuation either
    55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
    56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
    57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
    58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
    59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
    60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
    61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
    62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
    63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
    64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
    65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
    66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
    67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
    68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
    69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
    70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
    71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
    72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
    73. Drive half a block.
    74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
    75. Ask people what gender they are.
    76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
    77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
    78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
    79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
    80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
    81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
    82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
    83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
    84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
    85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
    86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
    87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
    88. Sing along at the opera.
    89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
    90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
    91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
    92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
    93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
    94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
    95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
    96. Never make eye contact.
    97. Never break eye contact..
    98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
    99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
    100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
    101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 

Yes... I realize this is different than my usual blonde jokes... hope you enjoy anyway :)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Blonde Joke 14

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She had seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly from the sky a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"                            
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens,
the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you,


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Blonde Joke 13

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Blonde Joke 12

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Blonde Joke 11

There were three Blondes on a tiny Island. They all wanted to get off the Island but none of them knew how. So one day a genie came along and granted each one a wish.
The first one wished to become intelligent enough to get off the Island. So the genie turned her into a redhead and she swam off.
The next one said: "That's cool, I want to get more intelligent than her. "The genie turned her into a Brunette and she built a boat and sailed off.
The third Blonde was really impressed and wanted to become even more intelligent. So the genie turned her into a man, who used the bridge.

(To those who take offense to these... sorry :P)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Blonde Joke 10

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh, well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

(may have to read twice to get the joke)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Blonde Joke 9

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Blonde Joke 8

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Blonde Joke 7

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”The blonde shouts, “fire!!”

Friday, October 1, 2010

Blonde Joke 6

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....